It Slips Away
by Jibaku-Chan
Summary: (rated for autopsy scene) A dreary little songclip in which Dib's fondest wish finally comes true-and he realizes it wasnt what he wished for at all. Probaly disturbing to some people. To "Butterfly" by Weezer.


AN: Yes. Another songclip, I can tell how excited you all are...okay. This, some of you will probably find disturbing. Also, quite depressing. I was feeling disturbed and depressed when I wrote it, however, so that explains that. I'm sorry I haven't been around and active, but its been a really rough week. This brings up 2 things I wanted to say-  
1) I appreciate all the loving and kind reviews. They're really nice. But if you wanna be rude and leave a nasty one, just email me or something. And no more cursing, I'm serious, its pissing me off.  
2)In the reviews, please please don't tell me that you want me to email you! Its not that I have anything against talking to people, those of you who I've chatted and emailed with have been absolutely lovely. Its just that I don't see all the reviews I get all the time because of some weirdness in the ff.net servers, so if you ask me to email you in a review, it might be weeks before I see it. If you want to talk to me, the email addy is ninjawasabi@aol.com and the AOL sn is NinjaWasabi. Feel free, I don't bite.  
Well, that went on for a bit. Anyway, again I apologize for my lack of presence around here, but things have just gone bad for me and while I try to recover my writing has been shit. Also I have a number of co-author projects I'm trying to get done as well...just be patient with me and Ill be back up to snuff in no time. I hope.  
(oh, and speaking of coauthor projects...I command you all to go check out Subterrainian Homesick Alien, the scary and sad lil fic that me and Banana Co. have been working on. She's a brillaint writer as well as a shining human being that puts my Beck collection to shame. Check it out!)   
Title:It Slips Away  
Author:Jibaku-chan  
Summary: Dib reflects on what he really wanted from chasing Zim-a few minutes after Zim's laboratory-induced demise. To "Butterfly" by Weezer.  
Warnings: Autopsy scene may be unsettling to some. Also, Zim is already dead, so I'm not sure if this counts as a deathfic or not, but you have been warned in any case.  
-   
Yesterday I went outside   
With my momma's mason jar   
Caught a lovely Butterfly   
When I woke up today   
And looked in on my fairy pet   
She had withered all away   
No more sighing in her breast   
-  
"Professor?"   
  
Dib sat in his laboratory, using stainless steel instruments to pry around into the metallic lump in front of him. It was shaped roughly like a ladybug, with brilliant vermilion spots overlying the metal. Analysis on the metal used it ints construction showed technology light-years ahead of Earths...it was lightweight and compact, kind of like an aluminum alloy, but much, much stronger. So many secrets they could hold in their hands now.  
  
5 long years of chasing Zim, gathering data, making a case...finally, he had come before the government. Finally, they had believed him. In the end. it took the National Guard to corner the fleeing Vootrunner, but corner it they had. The Vootrunner now occupied a corner of Dib's laboratory, half-dismantled. Next to it lay the remains of Zim's robotic servant, some kind of variation on the standard model he supposed...it would explain the tiny android's gross incompetency anyway.  
  
Dib, after bringing the case forward, has been permitted to skip his final year of high school and work in the university lab with his father exclusively on the "Zim Case". In order to circumvent university laws and honor his discovery, the title of "professor" was conferred upon him. He only responded to it within the university walls, but it still made him feel...important. He glanced up, propping his goggles up on his forehead. "Yes?"  
  
"Um, sir..." the young intern shuffled his feet. "Professor Membrane sent me to inform you that, ah, the principal subject of your study...has..."  
  
"Spit it out." A chill ran down Dib's spine.  
  
"He has, ah, died. His heartbeat failed around 9 this morning. We think it is related to his unwillingness to eat while in captivity...and possibly some kind of pathogen his system couldn't tolerate in the lab, we aren't sure yet."  
  
He blinked, then shook his head. "I see. How...unfortunate for the study."  
  
"Yes." The intern stammered. "You were, um, acquainted with him? The subject?"  
  
"Breifly." Dib turned back to the backpack. "I suppose there will be some kind of autopsy."  
  
"Yes, in a few hours. Professor Membrane wanted you to preside over it, being the most qualified person we have in Irken anatomy."  
  
Dib nodded, grunting ascent. "Ill be down their shortly. I'm going to finish with the backpack first. Tell him ill be there within the hour."  
  
"Yes sir." The intern swept off on rubber soles.   
-  
I'm sorry for what I did   
I did what my body told me to   
I didn't mean to do you harm   
But everytime I pin down what I think I want   
it slips away - the ghost slips away   
-  
Dib tinkered with the backpack, absentmindedly popping the tentacle drawer open and shut as he thought. He wasn't sure how to deal with this. He knew that, as a scientist, you weren't supposed to care about your subjects. Merely analyze them and take notes on reactions. That was how he had intended to deal with this.  
  
But this was strange. Try as he might, he had been feeling little twinges of guilt ever since he had delivered Zim to government custody. Zim knew it, too, and was playing on his emotions-he was fairly sure the hunger strike was meant to break him, and admittedly almost did-but to no luck.   
  
All he had wanted to do, from the first day Zim had been put in that solid steel cage, was to apologize. Zim was on one hand an alien, but on another hand his oldest and indeed only friend. He hadn't wanted to hurt Zim...sure, back then he had wanted to kill him. But he realized now he was only reacting by the human instinct to try and eliminate things that are different then you. He had a lot of first hand experience with this instinct, inflicted on him through grade school. It sickened him that he had succumbed to it. HE had only done what had come natural to him, but he only realized now that he had never meant the little creature himself any harm.  
  
With a snarl of anger, he drove the dissecting tool deep into the backpack. It hissed and spit sparks at him. Everytime, everytime he thought he had what he wanted he realized too late it wasn't what he had wanted at all...but what had he wanted from Zim? Acceptance, surely. Fame, maybe. But maybe all he had wanted was for someone else to acknowledge him...  
  
He was getting that now, however, and it seemed to just make things worse.   
  
"It all just slips through my fingers..." he murmured, beginning to tidy up his work station.  
-  
I smell you on my hand for days   
I can't wash away your scent   
if I'm a dog then you're a bitch   
I guess you're as real as me   
maybe I can live with that   
maybe I need fantasy   
a life of chasing Butterfly   
-  
"Professor Membrane."   
  
"Dib."   
  
They shook hands, formally as always. Under Dib's insistence, they worked not as father and son but as two scientists. This helped clear up any tension in the lab.   
  
"Are you prepared for today's autopsy?"  
  
Dib nodded. "I have reviewed my charts on Irken anatomy, and I have brought a videocamera to capture it on film for further studies."  
  
At this, Professor Membrane chuckled a little. "Still trying for that spot on Mysterious Mysteries?"  
  
"I guess so..." Dib chuckled nervously as he opened his toolbox. "Wheel in the subject."  
  
A squeak of gurney wheels and a sheet-covered figure entered the room. Dib turned the camera on and set it on a tripod, then turned to the figure. "Subject 001, Extraterrestrial lifeform, nicknamed 'Zim'. Height 4'1, Weight approximately 100 pounds, Age unknown. I will begin by taking the sheet off of the subject."  
  
Professor Membrane nodded. Dib carefully pulled the sheet back. His stomach quivered as he saw Zim laying there, pale and dead. He looked like a doll. Something in his mind tried to comfort him by telling him it was all special effects, it was a mold, Zim was in the next room laughing at his stupidity...  
  
Wincing, he picked up the scalpel and tentatively sliced into the this skin covering the chest. The familiar scent of his blood, known to him from previous tests, seeped out of the wound. It made him shudder. He knew from experience that scent would never disappear, not for days.  
  
He smiled a little to himself. Here he was, living out his promise. Zim had always promised to kill him, and Dib had always promised not only to kill him but to dissect him. Whatever one had been, the other one had managed to be just a little bit worse...  
  
An alarmed cry from his father brought him back to reality. He looked down. Blood was pouring from the wound at an alarming rate.  
  
Dib began to breathe quickly. This was not his fantasy, not Professor Dib the brilliant scientist chasing the evil extraterrestrial scourge to one end of the Earth and back. This was him, a scared boy, placing a sharpened instrument of pain into the husk of another scared boy, species be damned. This wasn't his dream.  
He could live with that. Later, he could scream and cry and grieve. Right now, he needed to get out.  
-  
I told you I would return   
When the robin makes his nest   
but I ain't never comin' back   
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry   
-  
"Um." Dib was aware of how shaky his voice sounded. "I need a little air. Can we take a 15 minute break? I'm going to go study my charts and try and figure out what's happening."  
  
Professor Membrane nodded. "That would be for the best. Ill see you back here in fifteen minutes."   
  
"Okay." He reached over and turned the camera off. Wiping off the scalpel, he walked briskly to the exit. Instead of turning towards his room, however, he broke out in a dead run for the staff entrance. He ran outside and collapsed to his knees in a burst of tears and sunlight.  
  
Irresponsibility be damned. He could never go back in their again.  
  
Jibaku-chan  
*Proud supporter of IZ slash!*  
"Open your heart. Straddle the fence. Obey the fist."  



End file.
